Being a long term sufferer of the horrible mental illnesses anxiety and depression, I can easily say it has been by far more than a rocky road. My family don’t understand me but that’s fine because to be honest I don’t understand my self. I’m writing this to help people understand what it’s like to live in a world with anxiety and depression.
Let’s start from the beginning… I don’t really know when my depression reared its ugly head but it came out in the form of self harm when I was in my 20’s… 7 years later anxiety joined my life giving me severe panic attacks. They say anxiety is brought on by trauma in your life and let me tell you my life has not been short of it that is for certain.
I am not going to go into the stories of my loss and pain instead I want to talk about what anxiety and depression is…. Or more to the point how it makes someone feel. A lot of people think depression is all self harm, sadness and prescription drugs… They are wrong. Depression can be fake smiles, hiding feelings and looking strong on the outside. Depression is not something people can always see on the outside nor is anxiety.
Some people live for years bottling up how they feel on the inside and no one would know just by looking at them… That’s the hard thing about describing mental illness to people because it’s not a physical problem that can be seen.
With depression anxiety usually follows and having both can be world crushing… I should know. I used to be so outgoing, the life of the party and just all round happy, but now I feel like a shell of my former self. It is not a choice to feel this way so to everyone who has ever said to me you need to try harder, you need to get out more or simply just get over it… This post is for you.
Imagine being trapped inside your own head 24/7, imagine the slightest thing setting you off into a world of panic attacks.. that’s my life. Some days I am on top of the world, farting rainbows and sprinkling glitter on everyone around me. That is the me I like… But it does not last very long because most days even the thought of taking my kids to school, going shopping or seeing my kids in a school play can set my panic attacks sky high.
Having a panic attack is not just worrying about something, your heart races, your body goes hot from head to toe, you can’t think straight, you shake uncontrollably and feel like you may pass out at any moment. Panic attacks have been known to feel like heart attacks… You can’t just get over that!
Depression can feel like your alone in the world and no one cares. You like isolating yourself because your not as fun as you used to be or plainly because you don’t want to be a burden. Anxiety and depression has cost me my family… No one understands how it feels to be me. I hide myself away but all I want is for them to come and hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.
I feel like I’ve been cut away from my mum and siblings like a bad growth because I can’t face going to parties where there are crowds or face overly loud rooms full of people because it makes my brain tick.
I don’t want to be this person anymore but I have no choice… I lean on my online friends because they get me and don’t judge, but would they of they knew exactly what went on inside my head day to day?
In a world of anxiety and depression I want to push people away on my bad days but have them push back to hug me twice as hard. I don’t want to feel alone anymore, I don’t want to be scared and I want to join in with all the family fun. Things can never be that easy in my world, you just have to look at the tears on the pillow to see that what I say is true.
Anyone reading this if you are suffering please seek help you don’t have to be alone. If you are a person reading this who knows someone dealing with mental illness please understand it is not their fault.
Thank you for reading